abhidharma pitaka

Yesterday was a pretty suck ass day.
i made it to about 2pm without xanax though. And actually i took a half pill because i was shaking so much I couldnapos;t work easily. At lunch I was super self concious about having issues getting the fork in my mouth with my shaky hand and then a co-worker handed me some papers that my hands shook and they rustled as i held them. So, i took a half not cause i was anxious but too stop the shakes.
I hope itapos;s still my body getting used to the Paxil and not my body withdrawing from a Xanax addiction.

but...

then i got home.
and i was already feeling a little emo.
but i got home and realized how ALONE i was and how much i MISSED HIM and then just let it all out.
i cried for a good half an hour and just stared at the ceiling wondering what the hell went wrong.
It felt good and it was a relief that the Paxil hasnapos;t turned me into a complete emotional zombie which Iapos;m terrified of.

i had "big" plans last night to do some shopping at Target and a scrapbook page but at that point i was too distraught and emotionally exhausted to do anything but sit on the couch and stare at the boob tube. Itapos;s funny when "big plans" equate to anything other than sitting on my couch. Itapos;s been years since iapos;ve been a "couch sitter" and Iapos;m worried about how good it feels.

Itapos;s almost the weekend, and while iapos;m usually the first to put on Loverboy and rejoice I now fear the long 2 days of emptiness and nonstructure.

The only positive so far is i think the dogs are more calmer with me around more. Charo has stopped shaking so much and Herschel has stopped whining alot. The last two nights Charo has slept up at my head and spooned my back which is nice and warm - i love hearing and feeling her warm little breathing.

Oh, and I have now sent off 4 resumes to places in A2. All blind and unsolicited. Donapos;t even know if theyapos;re worth following up on. My goal this weekend is to send out 6 more - 10 is a nice round number. Thereapos;s got to be 6 more places I can scour the apos;net to find
abhidharma pitaka, abhidharmakosa, abhidharmakosabhasyam, abhidharmakosha.